This was so brilliant and I am so grateful to you for writing it. Could quote from every paragraph!
You’re identifying something that I’ve been struggling to name for a while myself with regards to hunger, success, and how it’s felt to watch acquaintances and colleagues get hands for hoisting out of the pit while hoping I might get one and then having to live with that never really happening … then the recalibrations of work, spirit, and mood one makes to keep going. Thank you so much. So good.
Cameron! Thank you! It's hard to tell if I'm griping or whining, but I know recalibrating, the perfect word, is essential. For everyone. Those of us who keep going even when it feels like brick walls are erected in front of our every moves are by far more compelling.
Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I’ve always had that chip on my shoulder too, as an academic first, and even more as a writer. Writers my age are often told that if you just do your own thing and put it out there people will come, the fact that this has happened for me on the smallest of scale just reminds me of my life-long conviction that I’m also not bubbly enough, not sufficiently easy to digest, too foreign, dressed too much like a clown, or whatever for true success. I fight this by questioning what success I actually want/need and why, but the feeling remains. I have, though, started to wonder if this is a classed feeling, if I’d be less worried about all I am and am not if my parents were rich or famous writers or famous scientists. That’s probably not all of it, but it’s easy for me to forget how much that stuff matters
Sometimes I feel like we have to expel all that air to get rid of it once in a while, breathe the life out of it. Listen, all of the things that you are, your brain, your person, your style, that wrote your essay about style, and why, and more, that's gold.
This is so beautifully articulated. I think as I get older as a writer, it feels natural to have a better sense of what I can do well and can't. Since highschool, I have been in the middle of the pack. the popular kids know who I was but aren't inclined to hang out with me, but I had some gravitas in the middle. Frankly, my adult professional life is the same. I am not huge but also not small. An author of a book that is still selling and getting me invited to speak, but not a bestseller. The popular kids know me and my work, but I have not been invited in and frankly, the popular kids make me nervous and I'd have to take a xanax to show up with them anyway LOL. it's only now in my 50's where I am just starting to be very cool with where I am. Last night, I went to an event in town and people were talking about how my last essay created this whole long discussion and I kept thinking, this is where it's at, Kim, just keep doing you and don't worry about the other trappings.
I will not allow you to get away with "I am lame...no one's darling" as a closing remark, because do you think I would have online fangirled someone I didn't even know just from one instagram post you wrote during COVID if you were lame? BUT I too for a long time struggled with not making my mark in the world even when I tried the absolute hardest. I too needed recalibration and now my life is for the better in so many ways. So yes, this one spoke to me and you're so darn cool.
I really enjoyed reading this and can see a lot of myself in it. The "why not me?" comes in waves, for which I'm thankful; I don't think I could live with it full time.
Abso-fucking-lutely to all of the above. What you have worked for and what you continue to work on is the stuff that matters, perhaps not in that ephemeral, glossy way, but in a real way that demands respect. This was important to say in a newsletter on the internet. Thanks for sharing - I love Rust Belt Chic.
This is so fucking good. I hear you, I see you, I glossy magazine headshot you. I get it. I have been composing a version of this in my head for a while now (mainly in response to the lists put out by a magazine here in Chicago that rhymes with Dew Titty). I try to remind myself that it’s better, more punk rock, to thrive in the margins. Of course that doesn’t pay the bills but we’re all going to die broke in a camp for intractable women anyway so might as well stay free and unbrandable.
This hits on so many levels. Beautifully articulated and so relatable. So many lines ring true, but here's the one I will hang onto: "I wish it was enough to just cook, to just write, to keep my head down, so I try live in that world." Thank you for writing and sharing.
This was so brilliant and I am so grateful to you for writing it. Could quote from every paragraph!
You’re identifying something that I’ve been struggling to name for a while myself with regards to hunger, success, and how it’s felt to watch acquaintances and colleagues get hands for hoisting out of the pit while hoping I might get one and then having to live with that never really happening … then the recalibrations of work, spirit, and mood one makes to keep going. Thank you so much. So good.
Cameron! Thank you! It's hard to tell if I'm griping or whining, but I know recalibrating, the perfect word, is essential. For everyone. Those of us who keep going even when it feels like brick walls are erected in front of our every moves are by far more compelling.
I hear you, loud and clear,as someone who can’t be cheery and chatty on cue. I just wanted to get the work done a lot of the time.
Yes. I'm here to be great and get the work done, not to perform.
Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me. I’ve always had that chip on my shoulder too, as an academic first, and even more as a writer. Writers my age are often told that if you just do your own thing and put it out there people will come, the fact that this has happened for me on the smallest of scale just reminds me of my life-long conviction that I’m also not bubbly enough, not sufficiently easy to digest, too foreign, dressed too much like a clown, or whatever for true success. I fight this by questioning what success I actually want/need and why, but the feeling remains. I have, though, started to wonder if this is a classed feeling, if I’d be less worried about all I am and am not if my parents were rich or famous writers or famous scientists. That’s probably not all of it, but it’s easy for me to forget how much that stuff matters
Sometimes I feel like we have to expel all that air to get rid of it once in a while, breathe the life out of it. Listen, all of the things that you are, your brain, your person, your style, that wrote your essay about style, and why, and more, that's gold.
This is so beautifully articulated. I think as I get older as a writer, it feels natural to have a better sense of what I can do well and can't. Since highschool, I have been in the middle of the pack. the popular kids know who I was but aren't inclined to hang out with me, but I had some gravitas in the middle. Frankly, my adult professional life is the same. I am not huge but also not small. An author of a book that is still selling and getting me invited to speak, but not a bestseller. The popular kids know me and my work, but I have not been invited in and frankly, the popular kids make me nervous and I'd have to take a xanax to show up with them anyway LOL. it's only now in my 50's where I am just starting to be very cool with where I am. Last night, I went to an event in town and people were talking about how my last essay created this whole long discussion and I kept thinking, this is where it's at, Kim, just keep doing you and don't worry about the other trappings.
There’s a clarity that reveals itself after a while for sure.
Thank you! That’s very kind
I will not allow you to get away with "I am lame...no one's darling" as a closing remark, because do you think I would have online fangirled someone I didn't even know just from one instagram post you wrote during COVID if you were lame? BUT I too for a long time struggled with not making my mark in the world even when I tried the absolute hardest. I too needed recalibration and now my life is for the better in so many ways. So yes, this one spoke to me and you're so darn cool.
Oh Jean, such good tough talk from you. Sometimes trying too hard is not for us, not the effort, but maybe the most-directed efforts.
Did you happen to read Mari Uyehara’s essay in Women on Food because if not, I think it may resonate…
I really enjoyed reading this and can see a lot of myself in it. The "why not me?" comes in waves, for which I'm thankful; I don't think I could live with it full time.
I don’t think it’s possible to live that way.
Abso-fucking-lutely to all of the above. What you have worked for and what you continue to work on is the stuff that matters, perhaps not in that ephemeral, glossy way, but in a real way that demands respect. This was important to say in a newsletter on the internet. Thanks for sharing - I love Rust Belt Chic.
Thank you!
This is so fucking good. I hear you, I see you, I glossy magazine headshot you. I get it. I have been composing a version of this in my head for a while now (mainly in response to the lists put out by a magazine here in Chicago that rhymes with Dew Titty). I try to remind myself that it’s better, more punk rock, to thrive in the margins. Of course that doesn’t pay the bills but we’re all going to die broke in a camp for intractable women anyway so might as well stay free and unbrandable.
Wait until they find out I'm not really a good bread baker.
This hits on so many levels. Beautifully articulated and so relatable. So many lines ring true, but here's the one I will hang onto: "I wish it was enough to just cook, to just write, to keep my head down, so I try live in that world." Thank you for writing and sharing.
You had me at Iowa maki roll and then again, forever now, at the "why not me?" Thank you for writing this <3